The River becomes a trickle; going slow to go fast; or going slow to slow down

 I wonder how many other people's state fluxuates as much as mine does. Perhaps it is the neuroticism applied to the affect itself that creates the experience of flux to the degree that I experience it. Whereas other people may give it less attention. For some people tiredness results in low-mood, while in others it results in being tired. I've always been the low-mood group.

 Luckily, I seem to have found the antidote to neuroticism. Like I said in the video I made, its about an awareness of the whole process. 

There I am sitting in my car in the rainy night. I feel lonely and have this hunger which I don't know when I will be able to satisfy it. I was thinking of going to a bar today just to try to make a connection, feel a connection with someone, because lesbian dating on apps around where I live is an endless frustration. 

But its raining, and my hair is dirty, my knee continues to ache, and I don't feel like it. 

While folding laundry and scanning forms today, I listened to a podcast of Scott Barry Kaufman interviewing David Sinclair. It was an interesting exercise to track my own process and responses, hearing these two individuals talk about this search for endless youth. In this situation there are 4 perspectives in the room. Those of each of us individually, and of the objective.

The first challenge is for me to see myself clearly enough that I can see beyond myself to what they are saying. Then its to see beyond what they think they are saying to see the degree that they are seeing themselves. I find holes that I identify as blind-spots. Then again, its easy to poke holes in the presentation of others, it is so conveniently laid out in front of you. But I know the holes exist because they always exist. David Sinclair is making some big assertions, but honestly I believe he is missing the basic precepts of what is directly in front of him... I think when you identify the state beneath your goals, then you have the power to decide if the goal itself is worth it. As I listen to the podcast I find myself longing for this eternal youth... but as I do so I become aware of my aching knee, the aspect of myself most deteriorated. I yearn for a do-over, where my dorm had adequate medical supplies so I could have iced it immediately, or maybe taken care of the scar tissue in the sub-acute phase so that it wouldn't become a fibrosis inhibiting the mobility of my patella, leading to this chronic pain. Then my longing begins to make sense. It makes sense what I actually long for. Eternal youth is just an idea.

I still don't feel like I've made connection with people who are like-minded. Not to say I haven't connected with anyone, I have. But this feeling of being alone on this track has, as of yet, not abated. I feel like I'm searching for a needle in a haystack. Not that other people are bad or not worth my time or anything... but I want to find at least some person or people who I can relate to in this way. Someone who will look at me and say "wow what a relief that I met someone like me". I know they are out there, I know they are the minority. 

I'm not the smartest person, there are lots of people who are more intelligent than me. Although on that topic I am beginning to form a model of it that has to do with acquired skills, "fluid intelligence". To what extent are these skills develop-able? Now that I have shown myself that I have more power over my own self than I have ever known in the past... So if intelligence is actually related to behaviorism, then what is the exact quality that is innate? What is the crystalized quality that people are born with...? This idea is not very developed but I feel it arise again and again as I go through my life.

 I'm still trying to puzzle out what exactly it is that I identify as different in myself and whether or not it actually is different than the majority of people. Something is different, I know that. People tell me that enough for me to feel pretty confident about that assertion. But how it got that way and the nature of it is less clear to me. I have thoughts, of course, but I can't be bothered to list them here right now. As with most things, the final product of who I am (who anyone is) is an amalgamation of many factors.

 Usually I would lean on something in this demoralized state. Weed, alcohol, cigarettes, biting my nails, picking my skin, eating candy... something. Today that does not appear to be happening.

My nails are now claw-like which is not something I have experienced since I was a child, and I don't even remember. Its odd discovering something so basic about your body for the first time as an adult. 

Instead of my usual vices, I eat a banana and stretch a bit. It feels good to stretch and my body feels elastic and mobile. The path ahead is clear. It seems to sprawl out slower and slower. So, I suppose.. slow shall I go.