Woah there, horsey

 Since having this breakthrough recently, there has been a real shift for me. This has been very obvious in my practice where all of a sudden the sessions are becoming powerful. Way more powerful than they were before. The reason for that is I have a clear idea of what I am actually doing, so I understand what I need to do to get there, rather than just touching someones feet with a wish and a prayer, and thoughts about which leftover pie I will eat afterwards.

The issue I am having is that all this raw power has exploded all over the place. It has jacked up my energy, making it kind of chaotic. I'm one step ahead and two steps behind. My approach is crude and inconsistent. My sleep has been disrupted and I'm scrambling to figure out what to do with it. I just had a session where I made a number of mistakes. I hope the client is fine... I don't want to be making these mistakes, but its hard because I don't have a structure yet. I lack experience, and I don't have a group of peers who are with me on this whole thing. 

Once again I have to modulate myself, and bear all this, entirely on my own and I am not that super amazing at it. Being in this position has crushed me several times over in my life, like a huge wave that smacks you under.

And by the way, I check with myself all the time to see if I'm just manic. I looked at the symptoms of mania and I'm not manic, just very activated. I'm just carrying this huge thing on my own. Maybe its stupid, maybe its some weird delusional fantasy. That is certainly the message I get from the wider world... but I don't actually think it is.

Ah, exulansis!

Well I suppose I'm not in a state of giving up trying, I'm in the state that precedes it: trying.


UPDATE (12/11/21): 

Things have chilled out. I've been catching up on sleep and have been writing some things and continue to do research regarding the mechanism for effective treatments. The "raw power" that I was initially experiencing has become tempered with the fact that I'm not a very skillful practitioner. Perhaps I have a better understanding of the mechanism of the work than most of the other practitioners out there, but executing it skillfully is a whole other animal. 

I notice that I've been loading stuff on people, and the response tends to be that people shrink away. I have got to learn how to dispense it better, as much as I just want to dump the information on everyone and have them summarily fix their issues as I've been able to fix many of mine. My sessions have been more about explaining the theory to them, than it has been doing the dance of the praxis with them. Which ironically means I've lost touch with some of the mechanisms. Yeah... not going to work I don't think.

Therefore, I must do as I do and return to the mechanism, even if that requires I keep my mouth shut much more of the time...  which it does.

 I also haven't had a ton of sessions recently. But I guess it has only been 9 days which is not very much time at all... Time has dilated, I could have told you that its been a month. I guess I can cut myself some slack.

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